This morning I didn't restate yesterday's terms, but N assumed they were in force. So, he made it to school on time again.
For the past two days, N has been doing something weird. He wanted to know if he at a lot of calories before dinner, would I not push him to eat so much at dinner/evening snack. I'm not sure what that's about. Is he just really hungry when he gets home and wants to eat a lot and wants it to "count" toward his daily total? The problem, though, is that he doesn't usually eat his morning snack or a very good lunch. So, we're usually playing catch up throughout the afternoon anyway. He comes home, has some "make-up" lunch and a "make-up" morning snack and he still has to have his afternoon snack. He is eating a lot of food already. Is he just playing a game of semantics and trying to get his calories down? I've heard a lot more "this will make me fat" comments in the past couple of days.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Call My Bluff???
I tried something this morning. It was a little risky, and I knew it could backfire. But I had a plan if it did backfire. J had orchestra this morning. I pick him up (at N's school) and transfer him back to our neighborhood school. This all coincides with the morning bell. I try to get N to school a few minutes early and J is usually late (this is how it worked last year).
Anyway, I informed N this morning that I would only be making one trip to his school this morning. I told him that if he wasn't ready by the time I left, that he wouldn't be going to school. He was really surprised, but boy did he hurry. He got to school on time and there were no battles. I knew that I could try that tactic today because he was excited about a street-ball game and he had already picked his clothes. I also knew that if he called my bluff, I could keep him busy working on a new list of late work (that he brought home yesterday -- he's still getting all Ns -- the equivalent of an F). But it worked.
Anyway, I informed N this morning that I would only be making one trip to his school this morning. I told him that if he wasn't ready by the time I left, that he wouldn't be going to school. He was really surprised, but boy did he hurry. He got to school on time and there were no battles. I knew that I could try that tactic today because he was excited about a street-ball game and he had already picked his clothes. I also knew that if he called my bluff, I could keep him busy working on a new list of late work (that he brought home yesterday -- he's still getting all Ns -- the equivalent of an F). But it worked.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Late
It's a busy week and I'm getting a cold.
N went to school late for the third day in a row. There hasn't been any crying. He'll get a little angry if I push him, but I feel like he is taking advantage of our previous leniency. He put his clothes out last night (after he got mad at me for not washing the jeans he was still wearing -- go figure). But he debated and questioned his clothes choice even while I was driving him to school. He is very emotional and grumpy, but I am really thinking that right now it is more about hormone shifts and growing up, than it is about the anorexia -- probably it is some of both.
It seems like he is doing well with his friends at school. I'm also being able to pressure him some about his school work. I would say he has gone from doing "F" (no) work to about "C" work lately. Everything is better when he is keeping up with his school work. He'll even do it without arguing and complaining. Hopefully these are all signs that he is getting better.
He has been responding violently (hitting or kicking) to his brother. I'm concerned about that. I've restricted his computer/video-game/tv time (which we have used as a distraction in the past, but I think we can use other techniques now) as a natural consequence. What I'm most concerned about right now, is that he doesn't seem to care about anything but his friends at school. It's hard to find natural consequences that will work when there isn't anything he cares about.
N went to school late for the third day in a row. There hasn't been any crying. He'll get a little angry if I push him, but I feel like he is taking advantage of our previous leniency. He put his clothes out last night (after he got mad at me for not washing the jeans he was still wearing -- go figure). But he debated and questioned his clothes choice even while I was driving him to school. He is very emotional and grumpy, but I am really thinking that right now it is more about hormone shifts and growing up, than it is about the anorexia -- probably it is some of both.
It seems like he is doing well with his friends at school. I'm also being able to pressure him some about his school work. I would say he has gone from doing "F" (no) work to about "C" work lately. Everything is better when he is keeping up with his school work. He'll even do it without arguing and complaining. Hopefully these are all signs that he is getting better.
He has been responding violently (hitting or kicking) to his brother. I'm concerned about that. I've restricted his computer/video-game/tv time (which we have used as a distraction in the past, but I think we can use other techniques now) as a natural consequence. What I'm most concerned about right now, is that he doesn't seem to care about anything but his friends at school. It's hard to find natural consequences that will work when there isn't anything he cares about.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Church
I've continued to keep N's calories up the past few days. And though there have been periods of resistance, he seems to be getting used to the idea of more. I'm also doing better at using the "magic plate" idea. I've let N negotiate far too much. He starts to think he is entitled to have a choice. But as I have removed the choices (and after a little resistance), it seems that meals are involving far less drama these last few days.
On Sunday, I forgot his church snack. So, I had to take N home between meetings to get one. That was a mistake! He refused to come back. After 10 minutes of struggling, I got him to get back in the car (after I let him know that I was going to leave without him). He came, but wouldn't get out of the car. I pulled T out of the nursery to see if he would convince N to come in. But N wouldn't come in. Finally, we just left him alone and went to our classes. Apparently, N came in after 7 or 8 minutes. He is such a good kid and is generally obedient and tries to do what is right. Sometimes the anorexia gets in the way. I'm proud of him for ultimately making the right choice. I think that part of this is N becoming a teenager and wanting to be independent. This is probably a good example of teaching him what is right, reminding him that we expect him to choose the right, but letting him decide for himself.
On Sunday, I forgot his church snack. So, I had to take N home between meetings to get one. That was a mistake! He refused to come back. After 10 minutes of struggling, I got him to get back in the car (after I let him know that I was going to leave without him). He came, but wouldn't get out of the car. I pulled T out of the nursery to see if he would convince N to come in. But N wouldn't come in. Finally, we just left him alone and went to our classes. Apparently, N came in after 7 or 8 minutes. He is such a good kid and is generally obedient and tries to do what is right. Sometimes the anorexia gets in the way. I'm proud of him for ultimately making the right choice. I think that part of this is N becoming a teenager and wanting to be independent. This is probably a good example of teaching him what is right, reminding him that we expect him to choose the right, but letting him decide for himself.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Sunday Weigh-In
N's weight was 87.2 lbs this morning. He has been packing in the calories all week and apparently it's hardly made a dent. So frustrating.
Thursday, February 21, 2008
What should we expect from our therapist?
I posted this question on http://aroundthedinnertable.org/ yesterday:
I'm wondering if you could describe to me what a typical session with your therapist looks like.
We are using a PhD that specializes in family issues and eating disorders (is associated with a local in-patient eating disorder center). He is a good mix of both and he fully supports us in using family-based therapy. I've felt like he was a good choice because there are no Maudsley therapist around us. Our first months of visits have been fantastic. He gave a lot of new ideas. N likes him and answers his questions honestly (although the therapist has never seen our son when the anorexia was pushing through). We attend the sessions together (usually our son and one of the parents).
Lately, though, I've wondered if progress with the therapist has stalled. Most things that come up are just repeats of previous conversations. The therapist even told me once that he had pretty much given me "everything he had" and we would just be working on tweaking things and adjusting things as our son needed it. I was learning so much and so fast when our son was first diagnosed. Maybe it feels stagnant to me because the learning curve has dropped off and now things with my son are more like a broken record.
We typically visit every-other week for about 50 minutes. The therapist usually asks my son how he is doing (going through the typical school, friends, how do you feel about yourself? ocd, anxiety, stress, and any other previous issues). Then he'll ask me to characterize how things are going. We'll talk about this generally for a while. The therapist will give suggestions for any new (or not working) issues a long the way. Then the therapist will ask me if there are any specific things that he should address. I'll make a suggestion (like last night it was managing stress). Then the therapist will give my son some new ideas (or repeat old ones) on how to deal with that issue (stress last night). We all contribute, but I try to stay out of it mostly. I can tell that my son "sugar-coats" everything so sometimes I'll throw in my thoughts. I also try to help my son apply what the therapist is talking about. I think the therapist usually deals with older adolescents and adults. But he has a 12 year-old son, so he is usually pretty good about applying ideas to an 11-year old mind. But sometimes, I think, it helps me to put things in a context that I know my son will understand.
Should more be happening?
I'm wondering if you could describe to me what a typical session with your therapist looks like.
We are using a PhD that specializes in family issues and eating disorders (is associated with a local in-patient eating disorder center). He is a good mix of both and he fully supports us in using family-based therapy. I've felt like he was a good choice because there are no Maudsley therapist around us. Our first months of visits have been fantastic. He gave a lot of new ideas. N likes him and answers his questions honestly (although the therapist has never seen our son when the anorexia was pushing through). We attend the sessions together (usually our son and one of the parents).
Lately, though, I've wondered if progress with the therapist has stalled. Most things that come up are just repeats of previous conversations. The therapist even told me once that he had pretty much given me "everything he had" and we would just be working on tweaking things and adjusting things as our son needed it. I was learning so much and so fast when our son was first diagnosed. Maybe it feels stagnant to me because the learning curve has dropped off and now things with my son are more like a broken record.
We typically visit every-other week for about 50 minutes. The therapist usually asks my son how he is doing (going through the typical school, friends, how do you feel about yourself? ocd, anxiety, stress, and any other previous issues). Then he'll ask me to characterize how things are going. We'll talk about this generally for a while. The therapist will give suggestions for any new (or not working) issues a long the way. Then the therapist will ask me if there are any specific things that he should address. I'll make a suggestion (like last night it was managing stress). Then the therapist will give my son some new ideas (or repeat old ones) on how to deal with that issue (stress last night). We all contribute, but I try to stay out of it mostly. I can tell that my son "sugar-coats" everything so sometimes I'll throw in my thoughts. I also try to help my son apply what the therapist is talking about. I think the therapist usually deals with older adolescents and adults. But he has a 12 year-old son, so he is usually pretty good about applying ideas to an 11-year old mind. But sometimes, I think, it helps me to put things in a context that I know my son will understand.
Should more be happening?
Shopping
Last night after N's visit with his therapist, I took him shopping. We went to Old Navy, which seems to be where he usually finds clothes that he likes. I was trying to take advantage of it being just the two of us (and having a few hours to spend).
N had identified several shirts on their website that he liked. He has been begging me for several weeks now to go buy them. So, we immediately found those shirts (all available in his size) and headed to the dressing room. There he tried on each of the shirts and then tossed them away as he became more upset, physical and agitated. He ranted about being too fat, the shirts don't look good on me, this is the worst time of the day to go shopping, etc. At one point, he slumped down to the corner of the dressing room with tears in his eyes. He was so angry and sad and so anorexic!
My mother's instinct had already told me that clothes weren't the answer to his morning problems. I've seen it happen over and over. He latches onto a shirt and then the anorexia eventually convinces him that he looks fat in it. So that shirt is then thrown into the growing pile in his closet and he begins the search for another.
He was desperate, though, to find some new shirts. He combed the store a second and a third time. He didn't like anything and everything made him look fat. Then he asked about pants. We found a pair in the style he wears in his size, but it wasn't what he wanted. [He wants the new style of skin-tight pegged pants that some guys are wearing now. He wants to look as skinny as possible. I'm so glad that they didn't offer that style in boy's sizes.] At this point, I could tell it was time to leave. As N became more desperate, he also became more physical. He'll get right in my face, put his hands on my shoulders and all but shout in my face. He was being disrespectful and things were just spiralling fast. I let him know that we were leaving and headed to the parking lot. He ultimately followed me, but wouldn't talk all the way home.
While we were in the store, he continued to say that I wasn't going to bring him shopping again. So, he HAD to find clothes. I think this fueled his desperation. But he was right. I'll think twice before I take him shopping for clothes again.
N had identified several shirts on their website that he liked. He has been begging me for several weeks now to go buy them. So, we immediately found those shirts (all available in his size) and headed to the dressing room. There he tried on each of the shirts and then tossed them away as he became more upset, physical and agitated. He ranted about being too fat, the shirts don't look good on me, this is the worst time of the day to go shopping, etc. At one point, he slumped down to the corner of the dressing room with tears in his eyes. He was so angry and sad and so anorexic!
My mother's instinct had already told me that clothes weren't the answer to his morning problems. I've seen it happen over and over. He latches onto a shirt and then the anorexia eventually convinces him that he looks fat in it. So that shirt is then thrown into the growing pile in his closet and he begins the search for another.
He was desperate, though, to find some new shirts. He combed the store a second and a third time. He didn't like anything and everything made him look fat. Then he asked about pants. We found a pair in the style he wears in his size, but it wasn't what he wanted. [He wants the new style of skin-tight pegged pants that some guys are wearing now. He wants to look as skinny as possible. I'm so glad that they didn't offer that style in boy's sizes.] At this point, I could tell it was time to leave. As N became more desperate, he also became more physical. He'll get right in my face, put his hands on my shoulders and all but shout in my face. He was being disrespectful and things were just spiralling fast. I let him know that we were leaving and headed to the parking lot. He ultimately followed me, but wouldn't talk all the way home.
While we were in the store, he continued to say that I wasn't going to bring him shopping again. So, he HAD to find clothes. I think this fueled his desperation. But he was right. I'll think twice before I take him shopping for clothes again.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Tag-Team Parenting
T woke N up at 6:45 am this morning. By 7:05, he still wasn't out of bed, so I went and kissed him and gave him a reminder to get up. He was already in a terrible mood. He growled, "get out of my room!" After a reminder about talking to each other respectfully, he growled (with a little less of an edge), "PLEASE! get out of my room." There's no need to say it, but obviously we had a long morning. He couldn't pick a shirt. He didn't want his shake. He was so grumpy.
He missed two snacks yesterday and didn't pick out his clothes last night. Those things probably contributed to a lousy morning.
T stayed here to help again. I appreciate all of the things he does to help, but morning is definitely where T makes a huge difference. T is able to attend to N without being distracted by the other boys' needs. So, I take care of I and J while T cheerleads N out the door. N was only a little late, but T had to really focus on N to help him get to school.
We have an appointment with the therapist tonight. Typically, T and I alternate going with N. Because T works during the day, he isn't often here for some of the worst of the anorexia. So, I'll go tonight. Hopefully, I'll be able to update Dr. R as to N's lack of progress recently (which I attribute to his stalled weight-gain). We haven't been to the therapist for more than a month now. That's my fault. I should have called earlier for another appointment (usually we make our return appointment in Dr. R's office, but didn't this time). I think it's good, still, for T to go half of the time. We have a tag-team parenting system for dealing with N that seems to be working well. Sometimes T is able to help N in ways that I can't. Sometimes I say the absolute wrong thing in the wrong moment. T is better at gaging N and his moods. In some ways I think that T is the most influential parent right now.
He missed two snacks yesterday and didn't pick out his clothes last night. Those things probably contributed to a lousy morning.
T stayed here to help again. I appreciate all of the things he does to help, but morning is definitely where T makes a huge difference. T is able to attend to N without being distracted by the other boys' needs. So, I take care of I and J while T cheerleads N out the door. N was only a little late, but T had to really focus on N to help him get to school.
We have an appointment with the therapist tonight. Typically, T and I alternate going with N. Because T works during the day, he isn't often here for some of the worst of the anorexia. So, I'll go tonight. Hopefully, I'll be able to update Dr. R as to N's lack of progress recently (which I attribute to his stalled weight-gain). We haven't been to the therapist for more than a month now. That's my fault. I should have called earlier for another appointment (usually we make our return appointment in Dr. R's office, but didn't this time). I think it's good, still, for T to go half of the time. We have a tag-team parenting system for dealing with N that seems to be working well. Sometimes T is able to help N in ways that I can't. Sometimes I say the absolute wrong thing in the wrong moment. T is better at gaging N and his moods. In some ways I think that T is the most influential parent right now.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Tuesday
Today is like a Monday. N headed back to school this morning after an extra long weekend. Monday mornings seems to be perennially bad for N. I've been extra diligent with N's calories all weekend, hoping to prevent a bad return (and having extra resolve to not let his weight fall again). I also made sure he chose his clothes last night (and I washed them all). T stayed home this morning to help N get out the door. And it all worked. N had a good morning. He was only a few minutes late.
I noticed that both yesterday and Sunday, N was doing the token resistance to eating. He complains and tries to negotiate, but he was doing it half-heartedly. I hope that means that our united front is helping N to understand that we won't ever give in.
With the exception of that half-hearted resistance to food, we had a pretty normal weekend. He was predictably late to bed, but we didn't have any big emotional anorexic moments. I even found myself laying in bed this morning thinking about why N won't do his homework. It took a moment before I remembered, "Oh, yeah." It's so strange to me how the anorexia ebbs and flows. Just Friday, N was paralyzed by the anorexia. It's probably more insidious than I think and just waits below the surface waiting for the first opportunity.
I noticed that both yesterday and Sunday, N was doing the token resistance to eating. He complains and tries to negotiate, but he was doing it half-heartedly. I hope that means that our united front is helping N to understand that we won't ever give in.
With the exception of that half-hearted resistance to food, we had a pretty normal weekend. He was predictably late to bed, but we didn't have any big emotional anorexic moments. I even found myself laying in bed this morning thinking about why N won't do his homework. It took a moment before I remembered, "Oh, yeah." It's so strange to me how the anorexia ebbs and flows. Just Friday, N was paralyzed by the anorexia. It's probably more insidious than I think and just waits below the surface waiting for the first opportunity.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Sunday Weigh-In
After several weeks of missing weigh-ins, we finally did one this morning. N weighs 86.9 lbs. This is down .6 lbs from the last time we weighed him.
I'm currently fighting the anorexia at almost every meal & snack.
I'm currently fighting the anorexia at almost every meal & snack.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Cycles
I don't know if this is a kick-back from Valentine's Day (and the school parties, treats and our family party), but N is still here this morning. He was cranky first thing this morning. T knew it was going to be a tough morning and did everything he could to get N moving before he had to go.
N has spent the past two hours in a terrible mood. He has pretty much lain on the floor all morning. He alternates between being angry and crying and berating himself. He just finished crying while curled up in a ball. With him, it is so cyclical. He spends a while falling deeper into despair. Usually that's when I see so much anger and pushing back. Then he moves into sadness and cries. The next stage is guilt. Then he finally decides to be more proactive and tries a little harder. N has moved into that last stage now, I think. He is in the kitchen making croissants. I think he almost confessed to having not eaten enough a few minutes ago. I appreciate that he hates how he feels and is willing to eat to try and fix it.
The party went well on Wednesday. We were in white-out conditions when I dropped him off. He had a really good time, I think, and thankfully the weather had cleared when it was time to get him.
N has spent the past two hours in a terrible mood. He has pretty much lain on the floor all morning. He alternates between being angry and crying and berating himself. He just finished crying while curled up in a ball. With him, it is so cyclical. He spends a while falling deeper into despair. Usually that's when I see so much anger and pushing back. Then he moves into sadness and cries. The next stage is guilt. Then he finally decides to be more proactive and tries a little harder. N has moved into that last stage now, I think. He is in the kitchen making croissants. I think he almost confessed to having not eaten enough a few minutes ago. I appreciate that he hates how he feels and is willing to eat to try and fix it.
The party went well on Wednesday. We were in white-out conditions when I dropped him off. He had a really good time, I think, and thankfully the weather had cleared when it was time to get him.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Party
N has been invited to a party tonight. It's a good sign that he has made some friends at school and is gaining some confidence. We're having to change all of our plans in order to accomodate the party (including not going on our date). We have used the party to motivate and encourage N when rough moments happen the past few days. He got all of his homework done yesterday. But, he was late this morning. I could tell that he was trying hard, though.
So, we're going to let him go. It's too bad that these same kids won't go to junior-high with him. We'll have to start all over again in August. I'm glad he has some friends again.
So, we're going to let him go. It's too bad that these same kids won't go to junior-high with him. We'll have to start all over again in August. I'm glad he has some friends again.
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