Progress

Progress is still very slow. But everyday N seems to do better. Sometimes I don't recognize the progress until I go back and read past posts. N is doing so much better with homework. School has stopped being the immense stress that it was just a few months ago. He will get his homework done without too many reminders. Some evenings I find myself so surprised that he is done with his work and has extra free time.

Yesterday, N had a very scary moment. I asked him to help me with his two year-old brother. As N got up off the couch, a piece of ice, on which he had been sucking, slid into his throat. He couldn't breathe and walked towards me looking so frightened as he tried to get a breath. I was surprised to find that I stayed very calm. He knew what I needed to do, but I talked him through the procedures of the Heimlich maneuver. It took about five tries before he expelled the ice. He cried hard when I hugged him afterwards. I'm so grateful for having learned that procedure clear back in high school. I've had to use it on two of my children in the past several months.

Should I Have A Snack?

I weighed N on Sunday at 92.2 lbs.

He has continued with the OCD stuff. I can make him go back and walk down the hall straight, but the very next time he'll do it the OCD way again. I can't imagine how much energy it must take to keep track of which way he has to turn.

He is also hungry a lot lately, but about drives me crazy asking if he should have a snack. "Yes!" I say over and over and over again. He'll say he isn't sure if he is hungry or not. I'll say, "listen to your body." And he'll ask me again, "should I have a snack?" Sometimes this goes on for an hour before he'll eat. He asks every five minutes. The answer doesn't change over the course of the hour, but that's how long it takes for him to work through the all the brain resistance.

Declining

On Monday, I posted about N pushing back about eating. It was interesting to me that when I finally made my way into the kitchen that afternoon, he actually had made himself a "super pretzel" without further prodding.

N is still declining some. He got up 45 minutes early this morning to do some homework. He was completely ready for school 30 minutes before we were supposed to leave. He spent that entire 30 minutes changing his shirt and never got to his reading. He was actually supposed to go into school late this morning to accommodate a special activity this afternoon. He was so concerned about whether the other kids would be participating or not. He decided to go in during his regular time and not participate. As he realized that most of the kids would be there this afternoon, he changed his mind again. He wanted to come home and wait for the later "start" time, but I encouraged him to stay. I knew that if he came back home, he would just spend his time changing shirts. Plus, he had some homework that he could complete at the library.

I really worry about how much weight he places on what the other kids think or what the other kids are doing. He is entering into a time in his life where he'll have to make a lot of hard choices. Will he be able to make good choices when the kids around him are making bad choices? Right now I worry that he is way too influenced by other kids.

N has also started doing his OCD dance again. He is trying to hide it.

Pushing Back

N's been challenging me a bit today. He's done so well the past few weeks at eating when he is hungry. It still generally has to be my fault -- he'll just throw in a "do I have to?" He knows what I'll say. Sometimes he asks twice, but he always eats. One or twice, he has even eaten without asking. This afternoon, however, he told me he was hungry. I told him to eat. He asked if I was going to "make" him or punish him if he didn't. When I replied, "no," he came back with, "then I'm not going to eat anything." Why the need to push back all of a sudden? I've heard a bit more of the "I'm fat" dialogue lately. I get so spoiled with his forward progress. It's always an abrupt awakening when he takes that one step back.

Sunday Weigh-In

N's weight this morning was 91.7 lbs.

Distractions

Our visit with the therapist last night was very productive. We discussed N's OCD behaviors at length. Dr. R recommended a book called "Brain Lock" by Schwartz and Bevette. I've also heard some parents at http://aroundthedinnertable.org/ recommend a book called "Off The Cuff" by Nancy Zucker (Duke). I've looked for that second title and haven't been able to find it.

Anyway, Dr. R described N's OCD behaviors as a distraction. He called them a waste of time that distracts you from important stuff. He illustrated how much time and energy it took to maintain all the OCD stuff. N was very persuaded by his explanation and has already eliminated most of the behaviors. Hopefully it sticks.

Accepting and Rejecting

We've been out of town for four days, so I haven't posted. N did well with our visit with relatives. There were one or two moments when he was trying to fight me and I was trying to not make a scene. It ended well, but he and I had an intense "whisper" conversation happening in front of the family and guests.

N has had really strong OCD behaviors lately. He seems to always be substituting new things as he gets over the old ones. He told me that the anorexia pushes him to be disciplined and OCD things are one way of showing discipline. He is doing this thing right now where he turns his body as he walks. He puts his right side towards things he "accepts" and his left side towards things he "rejects." He walks into our home backwards (rejects the garbage can). He is constantly dancing everywhere we go. This is the most persistent OCD behavior yet. It affects him all day and I'm a bit concerned. We'll see his therapist tomorrow and this will be a major topic.

Hyksos Warrior

Today, N is participating in a "wax museum" project at his school. He can tell you all about Hyksos Warriors and their connections to Egypt. For that project, he was required to have a costume. Because image/clothes are sill such a big deal to him (but he is learning to manage it better), he spent probably 7 hours creating a costume for his character. In contrast, he maybe spent 3 or 4 hours on the actual report.

It just demonstrates that the anorexia is still present, but being better managed. He's been getting to school late again, but only 20 minutes on average. He is picking his clothes out the night before, which can take an hour sometimes. He's also fallen behind on some math assignments. I worry that falling behind at all will cause enough stress to bring a relapse. But I didn't want to press the issue, especially yesterday when he really did spend every available moment working on his report (which he has been working on for 30 minutes every day for weeks now).

Monday Weigh-In

I did weigh N on Monday. He is basically the same at 90.7 lbs.

Sparse Posts

The last few days have been more of the same. N's doing a good job of trying to listen to his body throughout the day. Sometimes it is a real battle, but N is winning more often than not. I forgot to weigh him this morning. I'll have to check him tomorrow.

I've noticed that I haven't been posting as much recently. There isn't as much to tell. Somethings just continue as usual with the anorexia. Mostly, N's progress is very good. I think it's probably a good sign when I don't post.

Afternoon Snacks

N's battles with the anorexia have been more apparent recently. I've wondered if he was having a bit of a set back. But yesterday, he actually listened to his body and ate well (without any prodding) during the afternoon. He still needed me to assure him that it was "healthy" to listen to his body. He also fought with all those hungry urges for a couple hours before he ate. He wanted me to trade afternoon snacks for dinner calories, but I wouldn't do it. Perhaps this is the anorexia making another stand as N continues to progress.

Also, N has been getting to school increasingly later again. I switched our morning routine today. Instead of getting ready and then eating breakfast, we had breakfast first. N was 15 minutes early to school. If nothing else, it got him moving earlier. Hopefully, we've solved that problem.