Log

[This first paragraph was added on June 26, 2008:]
I found this log as we cleaned out the car to drive to our family reunion in June of 2008. It's amazing to reread these notes and realize how far we've come. These notes were made before we ever saw a therapist and months before we discovered Maudsley. I'm also amazed at my mother's instincts. So much of what I thought, ended up being exactly what N needed. But, I was still trying to "back off" and wasn't listening to those instincts.

I created this eating/behavior log in anticipation of meeting with the therapist for the first time.


Wednesday, September 24, 2007
Breakfast
2 med buckwheat pancakes
1/2 banana
1 c. milk
Spent 15 min. debating about normal vs. buckwheat pancakes. Concerned about caloric difference. Which one is "healthier"?
Elapsed time 30 min +.

Lunch
(Didn't eat school lunch - says going to eat at home)
Start 1:30
3 Strawberries
1 c. milk
1/2 microwave pizza (minus cheese)
Had a 30 minute discussion on what to eat for lunch. Before he would eat anything I had to add up calories for him. [I indulge about counting calories because if I do, then he'll eat as much as twice as much compared to when we wouldn't let him count.]
(Total calories needed: 2200, minus breakfast, minus biggest total possible "Family Home Evening" treat - still has 1400 to go).
Agreed to have micro pizza. I left package out - while it was cooking he saw calories on label. Is curled up on floor crying that it's too many calories. Saying, "I hate this." Came & got a hug. Trying to negotiate for a wheat bread stick with peanut butter. I say fine and remind him about his goal to eat "more." 15 minutes later, still on the floor. Cuts pizza in half. Removes cheese and pepperoni. I remind of need for protein - argues and agrees to eat pepperoni, but not cheese. Drinks milk without problem. Apologizes.

My thoughts:
I think sometimes he would like me to "make" him eat things. I think giving him a choice makes his dilema longer. Also, he ate the strawberries first. After 15-20 min., he is more "rational." I think the hungrier he is, the harder it is.

End of eating: 2:40 p.m.
Elapsed time: 1 hour.

Snack
1 wheat breadstick

N's Comments:
"I think that being obsessed really sucks right about now. I get so hungry that I act pathetic and can only think about calories and how terrible something is for me. I don't even care how much I want to eat something, all I care about is how bad it is for me. I also say something is bad for me when it's just normal food. You know what, I even think I might secretly be trying to land a couple hundred calories short every day. Stupid or what? I do't really have a problem with only eating treats on Monday nights, but it's really stupid of me to be shunning normal food. I guess I keep doing this because I don't feel self-conscious any more at school and that gives me a feel of relief and freedom. But I've gone into the extremes."

My comments:
N wrote his log (above) - said maybe he shouldn't try to cheat those couple hundred calories. Said - What about a snack? Will I overeat? I agreed that I wouldn't let him. He eagerly ate it.

Dinner
1 c. pasta
some tomato sauce
1 pickle
N made/chose the pasta. I had his plate made between football stuff. He only called into question the amount of sauce we put on.

EXERCISE
1 hour of football practice
recess

Family Home Evening Snack
2 cookies
We told N several months ago that he was not allowed to opt out of the FHE snack. Tonight was his turn to choose it. He carefully planned and chose the treat with the fewest calories. No guilt afterwards! In the past he has "punished" himself the next day. I don't think he will this time.


Thursday, September 25, 2007
Breakfast
2 buckwheat pancakes, no syrup
1/2 banana
1 c. milk
No problems this morning. Was a moment's hesitation about pancake size - "this isn't a medium pancake." Also a referral to his "old fat" self that ate treats all the time. I asked if I was the one that told him he had been eating too many treats - "yes." But you weren't fat. Needed a reassurance that last night was only "1" treat. I'm sure that's because I said treat(s) are okay to have - it's only a problem when you have 5 or 6 each day. On time to school - said it was because he knew what he would eat for breakfast, chose school lunch and knew what he would wear.

Lunch
Pasta
1 glass milk
1/2 pickle
1/2 c. grapes
Ate only pasta that was served at school. Drank milk, ate pickle and fruit here at home. Dinner portion of chicken taco salad 1 glass milk No problems - except he picked out tortilla strips. We didn't comment.

Scout Activity
His scout group went for ice cream. He said he would not eat anything per our contract (is in our contract that we won't "make" him eat treats except FHE). Apparently, it was a big scene. I was not here at his return - but discussion with Dad yielded that he likes the "self control." Dad said he prays every night that N won't hurt his body anymore. Every day he is so far under his calories.

Snack
1/2 banana

N's Comments:
"Breakfast - I did refer to my "old" self and did need reassuring, but I didn't want to eat 2 treats last night. I think I might be comfortable eating Monday-night treats. No punishments this time. Yeah!!!!!! Lunch - Not much of a problem."


Friday, September 26, 2007
Breakfast
Elapsed time 1 hour + 15 minutes.
Not quite this bad because he took a few minutes to get out of bed.
1 lg. pancake
1/2 banana
1 c. milk
Woke up at 7:00 - is 7:56 and he is just starting to get dressed. Apologizes after hearing me cancel my 8:00 walking and gets going. Has been laying on floor crying, paralyzed by the pancakes being bigger than "medium" sized. I suggest eating one large and then another half - but he won't do it. Finally eats. I accidentally pour him some of his brother's whole milk. He drinks it and then freaks out. Cries for 5 minutes. Next issue - What to have for lunch? 3 choices: Hamburger, Potato bar (which he loves) or home lunch PB & J. Takes 15 minutes to decide. I finally have to say you have 2 minutes to decide or I'll decide for you. Takes up to last minute. Decides peanut butter and jelly. Cries because I put in too many grapes.

N's Comments:
"I absolutely hate whole milk. It's a nightmare when I drink it. Potatoes are stuffed with starch! A handful of M&M's would be healthier. I was pretty stressed by then. I think I got up on the wrong side of the bed."

Lunch
1/2 PB&J sandwich
1/2 c. grapes
1/2 pickle
1 c. milk

N's Comments:
"I was pretty hungry by lunch time. I hadn't gotten down to the lunch room and I was already eating my sandwich. Yum. That was a darn good sandwich. The grapes weren't half bad either. Yum, Yum, Yum. I don't think I will eat a snack. I might."

Dinner
Cheesy Chicken with rice
1 c. milk
4 strawberries
corn

N's Comments:
"No complaints except for the rice because he hates cheese."


Monday, October 1, 2007
N has done extrememly well the past few days, as long as his meals are completely predictable. He has his standard 2 large pancakes/fruit/milk for breakfast, pb&j sandwich/fruit/veggie/milk for lunch and prrotests, but usually eats what I serve for dinner. Still talks about it tons. Did eat a granola bar on Saturday and Sunday. Also had 2 cookies for Family Home Evening - didn't cause any problems. I weighed him. He hasn't gained any weight over the past week, but I won't let him see what he weighs or weigh himself. Also, I've continued to let him add up calories. At least he tries to eat "enough" that way.

Breakfast
1 c. cheerios
1 c. milk
1/2 apple
Small "fit" about size of pancakes (not medium) that I made yesterday. I told him that he could make them next time.

N's Comments:
"Enjoyed cheerios."

Lunch
Granola Bar

Dinner
Pizza
Scout leader talked to N about needing to eat in order to participate in scout activities.


Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Breakfast
1 c. cheerios
1 c. milk
1/2 apple

Lunch
3/4 pb&j sandwich
1 granola bar

Snack
After coming home, ate 1/2 apple, 1/2 pickle. I insist on carrots, strawberries before football. He must have had a bad day, somehow that was enough for a fit. I was not checking - and he went to football without eating the strawberries.

Had Parent-Teacher conferences. Teacher asked if N was sick, tired or sad. Said seemed all of those things.

N thinks he is cured because he didn't lose any weight.

*N is doing "extra" exercise to burn off anything that he eats. He'll eat and then want to go running. Once, he even did laps around the church to burn off a meal.


Thursday, October 4, 2007
Breakfast
1 c. cheerios
-1 c. milk- 102
-1/2 banana - 53

Lunch
– Popcorn chicken

Dinner
– 1 wheat pancake
- 3 pieces of bacon
- Small square of quiche
- ½ banana
- 1 c. milk - 102
Was difficult to not count calories. Cried for 90 minutes. Talked about stress of football and concerns about relatives thinking he was fat. He had stress stomach pains. We kept him home.


Friday, October 5, 2007
Breakfast
- 1 c. cheerios
- 1 c. milk - 102
- ½ banana (wouldn’t have a small banana, it had to be a ½ banana)
Ate granola bar before he left for school because he was hungry (said he was “borrowing” from lunch).

Lunch

Snack
– 6 saltines

Dinner
– Mandarine Chicken
-1/4 c. green peas
-1/2 c. strawberries
-1 C. milk - 102
I gave option of pizza. He wouldn’t eat it because I would require 2 pieces. I finally made the chicken because he wouldn’t agree to the pizza.


Saturday, October 6, 2007
Breakfast
-1/2 banana
-1 c. cheerios
-1 c. milk - 102
Cheerios weren’t measured. N threw a fit – T measured, it was short so he added more.

N is unwilling to play conference bingo- even with peanuts. Is asking for lunch at 10:45 – but won’t eat something.

[End of log]