How do you feel about yourself when you see yourself in a family movie? Yesterday, N made a movie for a school assignment. The "I look so fat, my hair is stupid and my voice sounds funny" ended up being a trigger for him. He was cranky and disrespectful last night and this morning. He also cried for several minutes about all those anxieties unearthed by seeing himself on tv. I tried to reassure him that almost everyone feels that way when they see themselves on the screen. He didn't believe me.
Though it was a bump, N hasn't had a bad day since he skipped breakfast back three weeks ago. He did have an appointment with his therapist last night. We discussed the idea of fasting again. Dr. R. just indicated that as long as fasting is a trigger, then N can't do it. I suspect that will have to be something that N will have to be aware of throughout his whole life. N also discussed land mines that he has encountered as well as what to do when he becomes desperate and ravenous. Dr. R. said that N should keep up his blood sugar -- little meals constantly. I'm just not sure how to work that into his school day. I've not been sending snacks and apparently I need to resume.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
One Year
It was one year ago that I discovered the forum, Around The Dinner Table and consequently learned about the Maudsley Method. N's weight, morale, and behaviors had been declining until on November 11, 2008 when I began applying the Maudsley Method to our approach. The results were almost immediate. T, upon returning from a family trip, and who hadn't seen N for several days, said the difference was stark. It was one year ago that we first found hope. Without the forum as well as the Maudsley approach, it's hard to imagine where we would be today. I remember N's therapist stating that we needed to think of N's recovery in terms of months and years instead of days and weeks. That was such a scary prospect. What a difficult and yet amazing year it has been. We've come so far!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Recovery
N is doing great. We seem to be in the middle of a good spell. I find myself rarely thinking about the anorexia and our family feels so "normal" right now. I think we've finally reached the point where I can say that he is officially in remission/recovery. N still has bad days, but there are more good ones now.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Skipping Breakfast
Getting up on time isn't a characteristic that N has developed yet. Last Sunday, he was planning to join his youth group at a local developmental center (for older patients) to present a sacrament service. Unfortunately, he didn't get up at 6:00, 6:20, 6:40 or 7:10 when he was reminded. I think he stumbled into the shower at 7:25. He asked me to drive him to our church at 8:00 (he was supposed to be there at 7:30). After I explained that they had already left him, I drove him to the center and he eventually found his group.
Well, in the process he skipped breakfast. It's amazing to me how much of a difference that missing one meal makes. They didn't get back until almost 12:00 and we were in our own sacrament service by then. So, he ran home and ate and then joined us for Sunday School. But by then, the anorexia was extremely strong and overall it was a long day for him and us. He fought low self-image and eating issues all day long. Monday morning was better, but still difficult.
On the first Sunday of each month we fast (don't eat) for 2 meals. We donate the cost of the meals we would have eaten to feed the poor. N was instructed immediately after he was diagnosed with anorexia that he could no longer fast. I've been wanting to ask if he might be ready to try fasting again, but now I know the answer. I won't even ask. I wonder if he'll ever be able to fast again.
Well, in the process he skipped breakfast. It's amazing to me how much of a difference that missing one meal makes. They didn't get back until almost 12:00 and we were in our own sacrament service by then. So, he ran home and ate and then joined us for Sunday School. But by then, the anorexia was extremely strong and overall it was a long day for him and us. He fought low self-image and eating issues all day long. Monday morning was better, but still difficult.
On the first Sunday of each month we fast (don't eat) for 2 meals. We donate the cost of the meals we would have eaten to feed the poor. N was instructed immediately after he was diagnosed with anorexia that he could no longer fast. I've been wanting to ask if he might be ready to try fasting again, but now I know the answer. I won't even ask. I wonder if he'll ever be able to fast again.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Camping
N went camping last Friday night. He has done so well that I didn't reiterate any concerns with his leaders. I think we're to the point that we may need to manage things from home now. I sent him with a good dinner and some candy bars to supplement, if needed. I think dinner was fine. For breakfast, however, they fed the boys donuts, soda, and Doritos. For lunch he had a Slurpee. He came home starving, but candy-bars in hand that he hadn't eaten because he was so sweetened-out. I guess I need to find some portable, dense-calorie foods that he can eat in a situation like that. Any suggestions? I sent an apple, but I think even the idea of eating it was too sweet.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Grades
N finished his first junior high quarter on Friday. His grades were all As and one B. Fantastic! Last year his grades fell as he became ill with anorexia and he primarily got Fs. Those grades seem to correlate with his recovery. In May, I was already seeing him care more. It seems we've come full circle.
He is the kind of kid that is capable of getting all As. But actually, I'd rather he didn't. I feel like it would be better to have a no-stress, easy-breezy attitude about grades. Instead we've been working on turning in all of his assignments. He finally earned some incentive money these past two weeks for having everything turned in. In order to keep things low stress, but still have him working towards something, I rejected goal-plans that were punitive. It seems like a little bit of money was just the carrot he needed.
He is the kind of kid that is capable of getting all As. But actually, I'd rather he didn't. I feel like it would be better to have a no-stress, easy-breezy attitude about grades. Instead we've been working on turning in all of his assignments. He finally earned some incentive money these past two weeks for having everything turned in. In order to keep things low stress, but still have him working towards something, I rejected goal-plans that were punitive. It seems like a little bit of money was just the carrot he needed.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
I got ahead of myself last month with all the great progress that N made. The anorexia/ocd stuff was impacting his/our lives very little. Since my last post, N has continued struggling. It's not anything like the struggles of six months ago. It's constant yet manageable. He is looking in the mirror more, obsessing about his outfits each morning, and debating in his head about anything that he eats.
I took him shopping yesterday for new church pants. I'd like to tell the marketing person that came up with the term, "husky," a thing or two about how that term ruined my Saturday. The size 14 AND 16 waists were too snug. Size 18s were too long. So, that left us with the "husky" sized pants. In my opinion they should call the three waist sizes, way-too skinny, too skinny, and regular, instead of slim, regular and husky. N's weight is great, but to associate the word, husky, with his current shape was devastating. If only I could have pre-bought the pants and cut out the tags. I had no idea what size he was, but that's what I'll do next time!
All throughout N's recovery, he has always taken a few steps forward and then a few back - always gaining some on those steps forward and never quite declining all the way back with the steps back. I guess I thought that he had made enough progress to no longer have those steps back. At least now I understand that continual progress means he'll do even better in the future and likely won't ever be this bad again.
I took him shopping yesterday for new church pants. I'd like to tell the marketing person that came up with the term, "husky," a thing or two about how that term ruined my Saturday. The size 14 AND 16 waists were too snug. Size 18s were too long. So, that left us with the "husky" sized pants. In my opinion they should call the three waist sizes, way-too skinny, too skinny, and regular, instead of slim, regular and husky. N's weight is great, but to associate the word, husky, with his current shape was devastating. If only I could have pre-bought the pants and cut out the tags. I had no idea what size he was, but that's what I'll do next time!
All throughout N's recovery, he has always taken a few steps forward and then a few back - always gaining some on those steps forward and never quite declining all the way back with the steps back. I guess I thought that he had made enough progress to no longer have those steps back. At least now I understand that continual progress means he'll do even better in the future and likely won't ever be this bad again.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Watching Carefully
Last night I overheard T asking N if he was restricting. I still haven't found out what that was about. I did notice last night that he was acting extremely self-conscious. This morning, with plenty of time to get ready for school, he couldn't decide what to wear. He worked it out, but pushed himself up to the last minute. He has pared down the shirts he is willing to wear, to about four. Everything else is too little, too big or "fits me weird." He also was going to grab something for breakfast and eat on the run. I let him know that that would never be an option.
All of these things are little clues to watch carefully. I'm not sure what is happening, but these are the moments when my job is to prevent any possible relapse.
All of these things are little clues to watch carefully. I'm not sure what is happening, but these are the moments when my job is to prevent any possible relapse.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Weigh-In
N weighed 113 lbs with his clothes on last Sunday. I let him see his weight. I'm not sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing -- but I thought he might be ready.
We've been talking to him specifically about his OCD stuff. He tells me that things are better. So, what is better? He said that instead of having 50 different OCD things, he now only has 4 or 5. One of remaining OCD things is the way he walks to school -- always stepping onto the north side of the driveway (I'm not sure all the intricacies involved). But I said, "Cut across the grass!" He hesitated, smiled, and trotted across the lawn. I can tell that he is winning more of those battles.
He attended his first junior high dance last week. He was particularly picky that morning -- I worried that it was anorexia, but maybe it's just normal 7th grade anxiety. He didn't dance with any girls -- said he almost got the nerve, but then the dance ended. He also attended a football game with dad and some neighbors. He told me that he "felt anorexic." I pried, "what does that mean?" He responded that he felt fat and very self-conscious. We talked about how every other 7th grader in the world probably feels similarly. But then he clarified that it made him ALMOST not have a snack. There's the danger - the restricting. But he was okay. Good deal.
We've been talking to him specifically about his OCD stuff. He tells me that things are better. So, what is better? He said that instead of having 50 different OCD things, he now only has 4 or 5. One of remaining OCD things is the way he walks to school -- always stepping onto the north side of the driveway (I'm not sure all the intricacies involved). But I said, "Cut across the grass!" He hesitated, smiled, and trotted across the lawn. I can tell that he is winning more of those battles.
He attended his first junior high dance last week. He was particularly picky that morning -- I worried that it was anorexia, but maybe it's just normal 7th grade anxiety. He didn't dance with any girls -- said he almost got the nerve, but then the dance ended. He also attended a football game with dad and some neighbors. He told me that he "felt anorexic." I pried, "what does that mean?" He responded that he felt fat and very self-conscious. We talked about how every other 7th grader in the world probably feels similarly. But then he clarified that it made him ALMOST not have a snack. There's the danger - the restricting. But he was okay. Good deal.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Weigh-In
I weighed N yesterday. He is a little over 112 lbs. Overall, we haven't seen the anorexia for a while now. I did find out that N was skipping lunch on his P.E. days. I nipped that right away. He said he was concerned that eating lunch would make him sick in P.E. if he played hard (he has P.E. right after lunch). It doesn't seem like he lost any weight because of it. But he was ravenous as he walked in the door from school. In fact, he was a little irrational and cranky as he inhaled all the food in our house -- it's what made me ask if he'd eaten lunch.
He broke his wrist two weeks ago. He tripped while running in the halls at school. He has a compression fracture. He was cleared for soccer, but not a lot of P.E. activities (like volleyball and basketball). I'm okay with that. We're easing into his exercise slowly. His wrist reduces the amount of exercise he gets each day. I think that's better overall. They didn't put a cast on his arm, but he has to wear a splint (wrist guard) 24/7 for a month.
He broke his wrist two weeks ago. He tripped while running in the halls at school. He has a compression fracture. He was cleared for soccer, but not a lot of P.E. activities (like volleyball and basketball). I'm okay with that. We're easing into his exercise slowly. His wrist reduces the amount of exercise he gets each day. I think that's better overall. They didn't put a cast on his arm, but he has to wear a splint (wrist guard) 24/7 for a month.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Dodging the Land Mines
My son is working on becoming an Eagle Scout and has to pass off the Personal Fitness Merit Badge. We're having to make some modifications because of my son's struggles with anorexia.
Anyway, I spoke with the merit badge counselor today. He is a professor of exercise science. He was willing to work with us, but I could tell that he had preformed ideas about anorexia and maybe thought I was a little crazy. I've had that same response from others with medical/professional backgrounds. [It's also possible that I'm just reacting defensively.]
I guess I'm surprised that those most rigid in their opinions about anorexia are professionals with very limited knowledge and exposure to anorexia. I tried to educate him, but I felt like that because I'm not a professional, he really didn't think I knew what I was talking about.
In contrast, our therapist who specializes in eating disorders has admitted that he doesn't know/understand everything about anorexia. In fact our therapist treats us like we're the professionals. Our neighbor, who is a therapist at an eating disorder clinic, admitted that they come out of college with maybe a one hour class on eating disorders and that any specialization comes as they get jobs in the field (and are subsequently trained by the "older" generation who are familiar with the old research and ideas). He admitted that they don't start out up-to-date on the the current information in the field because of that. Our own therapist is a good humble man. I can tell that he does his best to keep up on current research, but was willing to acknowledge that he doesn't know everything.
Here are the scout requirements for which we've requested alternatives:
Response Questions:
#3 D) Are your body weight and composition what you would like them to be and do you know how to modify it safely through exercise, diet, and behavior modification?
#5 D) The three components of a sound weight (fat) control program.
(We've requested that he completely skip this step.)
Have your parent, counselor, or other adult take and record the following measurements:
A) Circumference of the right upper arm, midway between the shoulder and the elbow, with the arm hanging naturally and not flexed.
B) Shoulders, with arms hanging by placing the tape two inches below the top of the shoulder and around the arms, chest, and back during breath expiration.
C) Chest, by placing the tape under the arms and around the chest and back at the nipple line during breath expiration.
D) Abdomen circumference at navel level (relaxed).
E) Right thigh, midway between the hip and the knee.
After the 12th week, repeat all four tests, record your results, and show improvement in each one. Compare and analyze your pre-program and post-program body composition measurements.
(He'll skip this requirement as well.)
12-Week Fitness Program:
(We've requested that his PE class take the place of any additional fitness requirements.)
Anyway, I spoke with the merit badge counselor today. He is a professor of exercise science. He was willing to work with us, but I could tell that he had preformed ideas about anorexia and maybe thought I was a little crazy. I've had that same response from others with medical/professional backgrounds. [It's also possible that I'm just reacting defensively.]
I guess I'm surprised that those most rigid in their opinions about anorexia are professionals with very limited knowledge and exposure to anorexia. I tried to educate him, but I felt like that because I'm not a professional, he really didn't think I knew what I was talking about.
In contrast, our therapist who specializes in eating disorders has admitted that he doesn't know/understand everything about anorexia. In fact our therapist treats us like we're the professionals. Our neighbor, who is a therapist at an eating disorder clinic, admitted that they come out of college with maybe a one hour class on eating disorders and that any specialization comes as they get jobs in the field (and are subsequently trained by the "older" generation who are familiar with the old research and ideas). He admitted that they don't start out up-to-date on the the current information in the field because of that. Our own therapist is a good humble man. I can tell that he does his best to keep up on current research, but was willing to acknowledge that he doesn't know everything.
Here are the scout requirements for which we've requested alternatives:
Response Questions:
#3 D) Are your body weight and composition what you would like them to be and do you know how to modify it safely through exercise, diet, and behavior modification?
#5 D) The three components of a sound weight (fat) control program.
(We've requested that he completely skip this step.)
Have your parent, counselor, or other adult take and record the following measurements:
A) Circumference of the right upper arm, midway between the shoulder and the elbow, with the arm hanging naturally and not flexed.
B) Shoulders, with arms hanging by placing the tape two inches below the top of the shoulder and around the arms, chest, and back during breath expiration.
C) Chest, by placing the tape under the arms and around the chest and back at the nipple line during breath expiration.
D) Abdomen circumference at navel level (relaxed).
E) Right thigh, midway between the hip and the knee.
After the 12th week, repeat all four tests, record your results, and show improvement in each one. Compare and analyze your pre-program and post-program body composition measurements.
(He'll skip this requirement as well.)
12-Week Fitness Program:
(We've requested that his PE class take the place of any additional fitness requirements.)
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Recovery
I'm happy to report that I have nothing to report. N is doing so well. Even with the stresses of starting junior high, he has responded well. I only see glimpses of the anorexia now, here and there, but infrequently. Sometimes I'm really not sure if it is the anorexia that I'm seeing at all -- maybe it's just typical 12 year-old crazy behavior.
He has almost complete control, now, over his eating choices. I still check up on him and watch his food portions. He is dishing up his own plates at every meal, except breakfast (which I think he would skip if I let him). I'll continue to regularly check his weight.
I'm not sure about the OCD behaviors. I need to figure out if he is just masking them. Sometimes he still does things that could be OCD, but they aren't pervasive behaviors. I'm so pleased at how far he has come in just one year. Amazing!
He has almost complete control, now, over his eating choices. I still check up on him and watch his food portions. He is dishing up his own plates at every meal, except breakfast (which I think he would skip if I let him). I'll continue to regularly check his weight.
I'm not sure about the OCD behaviors. I need to figure out if he is just masking them. Sometimes he still does things that could be OCD, but they aren't pervasive behaviors. I'm so pleased at how far he has come in just one year. Amazing!
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