Size 12 Pants

N struggled throughout the day yesterday. He was in tears before church. He wanted to wear J's size 8 pants instead of his own size 12 pants. He put on some old size-10 pants and had to really squeeze to get them on -- plus they were three inches too short on his legs. He kept saying that his size 12 pants were the wrong size. He wanted size 12 -slim (which they don't make in church pants, but they do make regulars with adjustable waists).

There are times when I feel like I am at the end of my rope. I just didn't have the patience and tender touch that N needed at that moment. Thankfully, his Dad was there helping everyone get to church (he is usually at church meetings). He had that needed tender touch for N. I find that we often "trade-off" in dealing with N. Some days, I'm the one able to handle him. Yesterday, it was my husband that was able to pick up my slack.

There are times that I am the only person available to help N. In those moments when I am struggling, I find that I have to walk away for several minutes. Then I can force myself to dive back in.

I feel like N is trying to hold tight onto the anorexia. He even talked about liking that he was anorexic and so thin. But then at other times I know that he hates it.